Swart hond voor die deur

Die dag wink loom. Tussen die grysheid newel ʼn sweem lig. Mis vou wollerig, ongemaklik-krapperig om my lyf. Krap krap krap. Iets klop. Iets. Brein sluimer; wil nie saamwerk nie. Bietjies-bietjies dopamien en serotonien probeer deurbreek. Klop klop. Angs gryp na my keel. Skielik, sonder taal, tyding of rede. My asem raak kort en my keel trek toe. Dit voel of my breinstam krimp. En die dreigende swart hond klop klop klop. Hier iewers in my kop. Wat nie lekker wil werk nie. Moegheid sak toe. Alles is te veel. Klop klop.

Depressie is ʼn lyding. Wat geen mens verstaan wat nie daaraan ly nie. Ly: Dit ís ʼn lyding. Soos enige ander lyding, maar ook, terselfdertyd, totaal anders.

Depressie is ʼn doring in die vlees. Wat krap krap krap. Rondskommel en sweer. Klop klop klop. Diep gewortel en giftig vasgesuig – net daar op die rug waar my hande nie kan bykom nie. Sweer sweer sweer. En die enigste gemaklike posisie op my knieë. Vooroor gebuig met my gesig na onder en my hande uitgestrek na die hemele daarbo.

Min dinge maak depressiewe episodes makliker. Al te min kere lig die donker gordyn sommer maar net om die lig deur te laat. Tog bring Paulus se woorde in 2 Korintiërs 12 dikwels ʼn sweem hoop op ʼn grysgrou dag:

“… I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me:

“‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’

“Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size – abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over!

And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”

(The Message)